If you can't stand to read anything without paragraphs, wait to read this tomorrow. I'll organize this into paragraphs then. Too sleepy to keep going. I'm falling asleep, here. ~ Me, 2:25 AM, January 6th, Pacific Time, underwear on sleeping mice too big for it, it's going to be hard getting my cat off my lap, but I need sleep now, blah.
Whoops. I haven't written a single word in this book since October 11th? Ouch. But notice how I mentioned "...in THIS book." Yes, I was writing a side project. You see, I remember promises to friends so well, they tend to hurt over a long period of time every time I remember it. So, after about 4 or 5 years, I decided last minute to do NaNoWriMo. Did I win? No. Did I get close to the 50,000 word goal? Unfortunately, family issues sprung up like Dalmation spots everywhere, so I had to fix them since I basically do the father's role for my single mom. It's fine for me, just not fine for my writing. Oh, well. I wasn't expecting myself to reach 50,000, but I tried to see how far I'd get. Like I was racing an imaginary friend to a childhood tree: I did it for the fun more than for risking despair at not making it. I hate negative feelings. I grew up around people like that, and it's not my cup of tea to drown in it, anymore. Best have sweet things. Sweet tea, sweets... ah, what am I saying? Oh, heheheh. I've been craving sweets lately. I blame the holidays. Oh, and what became of my dental problem? Well, I ran out of time to take off work for that (I blame fear + anxiety + frustration over insurances and places that would take me). Plus, I got sick with colds and bronchitis, so there goes my vacation time. That's okay. I was originally nervous about having very few extra hours to use up if I got sick this winter anyway. It's good I did. But, no worries. My wisdom teeth haven't been bothering me since, so here's hoping I'll make it until this summer to do it. But, really. Much has happened since October, so I haven't been lazy. ...Or have I? Depends on one's perspective, but I've literally been too exhausted and fatigued to notice much. Yes, yes. I'm doing fine. My sister had a bunionectomy (A bunion is too much bone growth in a toe knuckle joint, causing stiffness and pain from walking or even just no obvious triggers, so a surgeon just has to shave off the unneeded edge of the joint and sometimes poke a little in the ligaments to create scar tissue that helps increase cushion in between the bones so they don't have to grind so close to each other), so I've been running around like a chicken without a head taking care of her and taking her to numerous foot doctor appointments. Thankfully, she's healing very well and will be getting her stitches out this Friday. Other than that, it's just been shopping and preparing for the holidays, eating, and procrastinating all over social media instead of writing. There. Now, I finally admit to some of it. But it's not easy to decide things! I've been feeling restless and horribly indecisive! Should I keep writing the NaNoWriMo book (which I got to 10,338 words), continue writing this book, or start writing Book 1 of this series? It's really been bugging me. The more time flies by me, the more I feel like I don't have much time left! It's not easy living a life fearing death will take you before you publish! Yeah.... It's my biggest fear. I've been planning out this book series for... 11 years. Good freaks, time flies! It only feels like it's been a couple of months since I said I've been working on it for 10! You see what I mean, now? If you are a human and you have a life, you live more than you write. I swear, it's my curse in life. I've had a crazy life, ever since I can remember. A little girl with big, half-aware, half-disbelieving eyes. Trauma does a lot to a kid, but I suppose some of that is to be blamed on my half-Asperger's Syndrome. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Actually, it's 1:35 AM, and I'm tired. I don't know what I'm saying. But having been writing this for a little more than half an hour, I'd say it's about time to make a choice, here. Go to bed earlier, as my body has been moaning for me to do, or write, as my restlessness has been screaming at me to do? ...I feel more up to going to bed, now. Today was a very busy day shelving books at work. Besides that, I carried a 20-pound container of cat litter up a hill for nearly ten blocks home from the store this evening because we were out and my mom's week is booked. Also because we don't have drivers' licenses. Not that we failed our tests or are horrible drivers or anything, but we both suffer from panic attacks and panic anxiety. (YES, there is a difference! I'm fed up with overhearing people say they had a panic attack and describe what is actually an anxiety attack. So, here it is: Panic attacks are sudden and render you completely helpless. You can't breathe, you literally have to stop, your body stiffens, you duck your head from the reeling fear of the unknown. It can be triggered by a lot of stupid things like hearing loud voices, when you're in simple conversation, riding in a car that turned the corner or is driving too fast, things like that. Anxiety attack: Oh, no! I locked myself out of my car! But I have to be somewhere important! I don't know what to do! I've stopped thinking! I can't think anymore! It's like that part of my brain has frozen up! *squats, holds head, and cries, blows up, or other odd reaction* I know there are a lot better examples than that, or that if you go through these, you might not have heard of them or experienced them, but there are a lot of different kinds out there and I've either lived it or seen it. Welcome to my daily life of struggle, my friend. Most of the time it's panic attacks when I'm walking, dropping something and expecting a loud sound, or talking to someone. Most of my anxiety attacks are in vehicles because I'm afraid that any moment I'm going to get into another car accident (My body is tense, I tremble, I'm overly alert, I go into a cold sweat, etc.), or when others won't give me enough time to think when I'm replying to them because they think I'm "normal" and can think at the typical speed most people can think when they're talking (P.S. I only cry or blow up occasionally with my constantly-talking, clueless mom, but I just freeze up, panic because I realize I can't recover my train of thought and feel like time is running out before people start to judge me for taking so long when answering, and get hot in the face when I'm with other people). ...Ahhhh, what was I talking about? This has gotten way off-topic, and it is now 2:06 AM. Congrats, Me, for failing to write and be productive. Again. Maybe I should give myself a pat on the back for that? No, I'd rather get a professional massage. I need that. *stretches sore arms* Agh! I'm going to be so stiff in the morning. I should have taken some magnesium at dinner, but I'll just do that after breakfast. Don't worry. I've carried much heavier things. Being a library page has its perks, you know! ;) You get ripped, especially in the arms and shoulders. Seriously, it's a fun job, especially if you like lifting books (a.k.a weights) and organizing (a.k.a. pleasing an Aspergergian obsession of mine. Note: Not all Aspergians are good at or love organizing.). Ah, what am I doing again? Oh yeah. Rambling again. I guess that counts as writing. Procrastinating writing, that is! It's really just a filler, an action or thing that's similar to what you like or wanted to do, so it makes you only feel like you did it when you actually didn't. ....Okay, my eyes are now on protest. They are shutting and sore. I must sleep. *looks at what I just wrote above* Impressive, but I still have to put it into paragraphs. Heck, I'll do to tomorrow. I need sleep now.
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